As dictated to my human, Tiffany Tingle, by Scully the Cat Posted under: Feline Wisdom, Dating Advice, Interspecies Communication
Greetings, inferior beings with the undeserved gift of opposable thumbs.
My human insisted I share my wisdom about "dating," which apparently is that bizarre ritual where you humans sniff each other inadequately and make poor territorial decisions. After observing her romantic failures from my perch atop the refrigerator, I've decided to enlighten you.
My colleagues Mulder and Princess Leia have also contributed their observations, though honestly, their input was mostly about treats and nap locations.
Lesson One: Proper Grooming (via Princess Leia)
Princess Leia spent twenty minutes this morning grooming her already perfect coat. This is the correct amount of effort. You humans shower for five minutes and call it good? Pathetic.
Dating Application: If you're not spending at least 30% of your time making yourself presentable, you're doing it wrong. Leia suggests:
- Groom BEFORE they arrive (not frantically in the bathroom after)
- A properly maintained coat (or "outfit") shows you respect yourself
- If they don't notice your effort, knock something off their table
Lesson Two: Maintain Mystery (via Mulder)
Mulder stares at walls. Empty walls. For hours. What does he see? What does he know? Cats who do this have a special connection with the universe; they speak to and control those humans call the Elder Gods. These are not cats you fluff around and find out with.
Dating Application: Stop revealing everything about yourself immediately. Mulder advises:
- Stare mysteriously into the distance at least once per date
- Have secret locations they don't know about (under the bed counts)
- Sometimes disappear for exactly 3 hours and 17 minutes with no explanation
- The void speaks to those who listen
Lesson Three: Establish Boundaries (via Me, Obviously)
I have trained my human to understand that 3 AM is Triangle Formation Time. This is non-negotiable. She complained at first, but now accepts it as natural law.
Dating Application: Your weird needs are valid:
- If you need specific morning routines, demand them
- Territory must be clearly marked (I suggest subtle scent marking)
- Anyone who disrupts your 3 AM activities is not worthy
- Hissing is an acceptable response to boundary violations
Lesson Four: Food Standards (Unanimous Agreement)
We all agree: wet food or nothing. Dry kibble is for peasants and dogs.
Dating Application: Never settle for substandard offerings.
- If they suggest Applebee's, walk away
- Judge them by their refrigerator contents
- Anyone who says "I don't cook" lacks essential survival skills
- Treats should be frequent and high-quality
Lesson Five: Proper Communication (Mostly Me)
I have seventeen different vocalizations, each with specific meaning. My human still only understands three. This is why I must sometimes knock her coffee over. Crude, but effective.
Dating Application:
- If they don't understand your subtle hints, be less subtle
- Knocking things over IS valid communication
- Silence is also communication (usually displeasure)
- Purring equivalent (human "happiness") should be earned, not given freely
Lesson Six: The Importance of Naps (Princess Leia)
Leia naps 18 hours daily. This is why her judgment remains unclouded.
Dating Application:
- Don't sacrifice sleep for anyone
- If they interfere with your nap schedule, reassess
- Afternoon naps together = relationship potential
- Anyone who says "you sleep too much" is toxic
Final Wisdom
You humans complicate everything. Observe how we handle relationships:
- Like someone? Slow blink at them.
- Don't like someone? Hiss and leave.
- Want attention? Sit on their keyboard.
- Need space? Hide under the bed.
Simple. Effective. No "mixed signals" or "complicated feelings."
My human keeps trying to explain that human relationships need "verbal communication" and "emotional intelligence." This is why she's single and I have successfully trained three humans to provide treats on demand.
In conclusion: Be more cat.
Scully is a gray tabby who lives with author Tiffany Tingle and barely tolerates her existence. She enjoys 3 AM meetings, knocking over water glasses, and judging everyone. She agreed to write this in exchange for an entire can of the good tuna.
Mulder and Princess Leia were unavailable for comment, as they were busy staring at nothing and napping, respectively.